Addiction, Needs, & Compassion

For many people – those working in the addiction field, or those experiencing an addict in their lives – it can feel frustrating that the addict keeps using.  We might feel they are being selfish, lazy, and irresponsible. We ask ourselves, “who would put up with not showering, living on the streets, stealing, selling themselves for sex, injecting their heroin with dirty puddle water, and on and on?”  “Those people are disgusting!”  “I can’t stand addicts!”  “I hate working with addicts, they’re always trying to get something from me!”  These are just some of the lines running through our heads at times.  The last thought is “why don’t they stop?”  The million dollar question.  Some answer through a biological explanation, others an adaptive explanation, others a spiritual explanation, and some a social learning explanation.  It is all of these.  But for this essay I want to focus on a more adaptive explanation and one that is more concerned with an ongoing internal process in the here and now, one that concerns itself with the meeting of human needs.

It’s obviously hard to have compassion for those abusing substances.  But, really, that is the easy reaction to have.  Staying there only keeps one in the dark about the addict and about themselves.  Dr. Wayland Myers, PhD, has written a document about “Defining a Nonviolent Communication Approach (NVC) to Addictive Behaviors.” In this he explains how Marshall Rosenberg, the founder of NVC, tries to approach the addict by using empathy and trying to understand what needs are being met by using.  He does not try and get addicts to stop using.  Substance abusers are usually quite perplexed by his approach because they are used to everyone trying to get them to stop.  His focus is on needs so that he can proceed in helping that person meet those needs in ways that are “more effective and less costly.”  This is not easy for many people in our society as we want to FIX people.  It is tough to give up coercive measures, confrontational approaches, and parental directives.  As helpers or loved ones we can often feel helpless, out of control, and frustrated within the paradigm of judgment and control because it becomes a negative feedback loop. Pushing our goals onto someone else may work in the short term, but usually, though, backfires, and can often perpetuate disconnection, a need all humans value.

 So why do we continue to stay in this place where we NEED substance abusers to stop? Why do we work so hard FOR SOMEONE ELSE?  Why do we feel so out of control? Why do we get frustrated, angry and hurt by their use?  It is usually more to do with our own needs not being met.  As helpers, we must connect with our own needs in order to connect with another’s.  It is also a paradigm that we are in that using is wrong and we must “intervene”, we must “challenge” them, we must, we must, we must.  “They don’t know how to live life”, “they are irresponsible”, “they have mental health issues”, “they have a brain injury”, “they are still a child”, “they experienced trauma” – ultimately we are invading their sense of humanity, their internal world, their “creative adjustment” as described in Gestalt psychology. Using, for many, has been a very creative way to cope, adjust, and stay alive.  It has become an organismic adaptation to life experiences. Why do we want to pull this carpet out from under them so quickly and harshly??

 Instead of making all these assumptions and judgments, we need to “connect” with addicts as in NVC, or make “contact” as in Gestalt psychology. Take away the stories, take away the judgments, and learn what is there.  What need is being met by all this using.  Can we help this person make contact with their own internal world so that they can at least value their own world?  Shame is the result of continuously denying one’s own experience.  We can blast away shame by listening, connecting, and helping those who use to become more in tune with their needs and their internal worlds.  We must remove our judgments and need for control so that we can offer humanity to someone.

 From an existential point of view, it is that person’s responsibility to take control of their life how they see fit.  From a person-centered and gestalt psychology point of view, all human beings are moving toward growth in some way.  We can either help them get there taking which ever roads fit best for them, or we can weigh them down on the road of addiction. The more we focus on getting them to stop the addiction, the longer they only focus there and stay on that path.  The quicker we begin walking with them on that path instead of hurrying them off, the quicker they will want to explore other options.  Once someone feels truly supported and understood they will feel the energy to take on new experiences.

 So, what are their needs? How can you help them connect to their needs?  If you are addicted, how are you not connecting to your self?

 Lastly, I want to make a quick point here about boundaries.  Nowhere in this approach or understanding does it say let substance abusers or anyone for that matter treat you however they feel like it.  You do not have to just sit there and accept all behavior toward you to be compassionate.  It is important for all humans to connect to their own needs and express these honestly.  So if you are feeling manipulated, hurt, taken advantage of, etc, then calmly express this to the person so they understand.  We must meet our needs as helpers as well and do not need to allow dysfunctional ways of relating to hurt us for the sake of “compassion.”  This is not how it works.  The compassion and connecting are to the person and the unmet needs, not to allowing yourself to be treated in ways you don’t want.

Life is Difficult

M. Scott Peck wrote in his first page of The Road Less Traveled:

Life is difficult.

This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult – once we truly understand and accept it – then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters. Most do not fully see this truth that life is difficult. Instead they moan more or less incessantly, noisily, or subtly, about the enormity of their problems, their burdens, and their difficulties as if life were generally easy, as if life should be easy. They voice their belief, noisily or subtly, that their difficulties represent a unique kind of affliction that should not be and that has somehow been especially visited upon them, or else upon their families, their tribe, their class, their nation, their race or even their species, and not upon others. I know about this moaning because I have done my share.

Life is a series of problems. Do we want to moan about them or solve them? Do we want to teach our children to solve them?

This is an issue that runs rampant in our North American society and is most aptly represented in the social issue of addiction. It is also quite a stumbling block to healthy living and lasting recovery for many substance abusers. We can offer many tools to help with relapse prevention, we can offer tools for better communication, emotional expression, and spiritual connection, but there are some fundamental, or existential, truths that are a part of human life such as “life is difficult,” and without these we are not truly helping some people.

“Pain.” “Fear.” “Difficulty.” “Uncomfortable.” “Anger.” We tend to call these “negative emotions.” Isn’t that interesting? We should be embracing all emotions as messages from our true self, our soul, our inner being, whatever you want to call it. Why do we run so quickly from pain or difficult emotions? Many people run from happiness for all its worth! But as Peck describes, we must accept that pain is a part of our existence, and when we do accept it, it becomes a non-issue, it dissipates. Next time you even feel physical pain, go into it, sit with it, explore it – let it wash over you. Do the same with fear, anxiety, or anger. You won’t die, but what you will find is a sweetness in your connection to a deeper self. We are so afraid of ourselves that we ignore the messages we are communicating to ourselves. The times I have truly allowed myself to sit in pain, it has actually felt good – like a unexpected positive aftertaste.

There is a large part of addiction that begins with “pain management.” Listening to the stories of substance abusers offers many reasons why one would utilize pain management. The abuse, the neglect, the abandonment, the grief – the injuries and chronic health problems  - it is all horrific, sad, and unfortunate. In following, one who has experienced these things must then grow up in a society that does not know how to deal with pain. We want to medicate it, diagnose it, or avoid it all together. The most logical explanation in that type of world? Anything, and I mean anything, that will dull the pain that everyone is so afraid of. Welcome Addiction, to our society. Granted, addiction is somewhat more complex than just an overall avoidance of pain, both physical, emotional, and spiritual, but it is a very, very large part.

So, it is my hope that we as a society, and the work that goes on in the treatment center where I work, begin to see pain and difficulty differently. We need a paradigm shift. We need to embrace all of human experience and emotional responses. We need to have parents and teachers feel more comfortable with a child’s pain so that children can grow up and not fear pain. I’m not saying that pain would then no longer hurt. We cannot escape hurt and pain, but we can certainly embrace them more authentically.

I, like Peck, have done my fair share of moaning and groaning. I probably do it everyday. I love moaning and groaning as though it were a past time of mine, but I’ll tell you what – it gets me absolutely no where! I end up powerless to whatever I am moaning about. I give away my power. I give away my responsibility. The desire to avoid pain and difficulty also moves us to blame others. I will visit the existential concept of responsibility next.